Gay Girl’s Guide to College

Lost and Delirious at Daybreak

Posted in Gay Media, Poetic Rambings by Leslie on March 15, 2009

I was taken in whole and produced again, tangled in bracken and your hair, wrapped in legs together.  I laid prostrate while the sky cracked, molten yellow beginning to illuminate the holes in my wall and my head.

Paulie and Tori

Paulie and Tori

I remembered man sweat and hair and the kind of tangles that pull and snap, sting, linger.  It made me want nothing more than the shadow of your eyelashes against cheek, your sweet coconut silk hair.  The expectation, the construction, little holes we fit into like a child’s toy: the blue rectangle fits through the blue rectangular hole, the red circle through the red circular hole.  The heart through the heart-shaped hole.

When I went to bed, the label was affixed to my forehead, to my maroon sweater front.  I gagged and pulled at its strings, clawed at the fabric weave, but to no avail.  “I’m just Paulie, who loves Tori.”  I’m just a lesbian.  I’m just not into penis.  I’m just into you.  Is gender a construction or a basis, a checklist, for intimacy?  A reminder to straighten up, straighten out, straighten your hair, bat your eyelashes… the thick tan penis through the pulsing woman hole.

All that was left on my pink pillow by daybreak was the idea of your hair, of soft skin, of something other than stale sweat and torn sheets and a hollow lover sprawled, untouching and untouchable, snoring.  The light brings panic instead of calm.

Paulie and Tori, the last opportunity

Paulie and Tori, the last opportunity

It’s 7:13 a.m. and sleep has eluded me.  I watched the movie Lost and Delirious tonight, drank chocolate chai tea with milk, was lectured about the process of repressing memory.  I listened to Ani over and over: You Had Me.

You’ll say it’s really good to see you
You’ll say I missed you horribly
You’ll say let me carry that
Give that to me
And you will take the heavy stuff
And you will drive the car
And I’ll look out the window making jokes
About the way things are


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